WORLD EXCLUSIVE: FA Ref Rules (Arsenal Edition)

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* WORLD EXCLUSIVE *

FA Ref Rules (Arsenal Edition)

Not sure there is much to say of value about the Brighton game, but I do have something to say, though. Not sure if it will brighten your day or make you more infuriated, but here goes…

An 'Arsenal Edition' Premier League referees rule book has been discovered. Quite remarkable, yet fascinating that there is a separate rule book for Arsenal Football Club. I thought you'd like me to pull out the differences in the rule book that the the other 19 teams don’t have to be concerned about. Just Arsenal. You might recognize some of these rules and making yourself aware of the rest of them will likely save you from having to go buy another television after smashing the previous 4 lovely 50 inch HD wall mounted Samsung Unbreakable televisions.

Note to officials;

It is vital that you go over these 'extra' rules before you officiate an Arsenal game. They may seem a little weird, but remember our motto, 'We don't treat Arsenal fairly, even if they do it barely.'

Category One:

The following rules will result in a straight red card. Remember that if you use VAR don't spend more than four seconds on the check. The more time you spend on the decision, the more players and fans will think that they are right. Remember our motto for the Arsenal fans, ' Arsenal fans are never right. This is right, good night.'

1. The Short Cut

When an Arsenal player is being escorted off the field by the medical staff, you will notice that there have been occasions, when the ball is down the other end of the field, that the Arsenal player and the doctor do not walk around the corner flag. They cut the corner right by the quadrant and 'enter the field of play.' We have no tolerance for this and for Arsenal, this is a straight red card. If the offending player is concussed and does not know where he is, this is no excuse. In fact, whilst giving him the red card, give one to the doctor and push them both over to ensure that they fully understand their sin.

2. The ‘Nwaneri Law'

You will have all seen the disgusting wasting of time that the school child, Ethan Nwaneri, performed at the AMEX. Arsenal have now been warned. Don't wait for Declan Rice to raise his arm, sprint over and issue a red card. This may sound harsh, but much like good parenting the 'Nwaneri Law' was the only warning we give Arsenal. We didn't go to the trouble of creating a new law named after a manipulative footballer for you to give the next one a yellow card.

3. Confusing the fourth official

The fourth official has plenty enough to do already without Arsenal Football Club adding to his workload. He has to say phrases like 'stop it,' 'sit down' and 'if you don't behave, I'm telling Anthony Taylor.' So, if Arsenal are making a multi substitution, and for example, Zinchenko and Martinelli are coming on the field, if Zinchenko runs on when the fourth official raises Martinelli's number, then this is a straight red card offense. This will be filed under 'confusion of the over worked 4th official.'

4. Initiating a crowd

You will all know that the new law allowing only the captain of each team to talk to the official has been a great success. We have only had 477 infractions in regards to this new law, which is better than we thought.

Arsenal don't seem to surround the referee so I gently encourage you to surround them.

When Saka has his left ankle separated from his body for the seventh time in the game, don't wait for Martin 'the monster' Odegaard to run over to you, run over to him. Even better, find the largest cluster of Arsenal players and sprint towards them. They will now be 'surrounding the Ref' so you are well within your rights to send all of them off. If this means the game gets abandoned because Arsenal have less than seven players on the field, so be it. They have no right to complain as Saka has never actually been fouled. If you watch closely, he likes to throw his left ankle into the studs of the opponents boots.

5. The 'Tindall Law'

We now have zero tolerance for the thugs in pastel green jackets that are on the Arsenal bench. It's intimidating to even have to look at them because their head coach looks like a Bond villain and so we do it no longer. We have warned them repeatedly to stop doing what all of the other coaches do and they don't listen, which is naughty. Naughtiness no longer needs to see a pretty little yellow card, it needs to see a fiery hot red one when it comes to Arsenal's coaches.

If they complain that Jason Tindall (Newcastle United's camera hungry sausageboy assistant) stands in the technical area the entire game long, then remind them that this law is named after him. He therefore has immunity, much like having the keys to the city, which we've given Jason Tindall, also.

6. The 'Last 5 Minutes' Law

Ignore the fact that Arsenal might be losing in the last five minutes. We have no tolerance for Arsenal players who are clearly wasting time. If Arsenal are one nil down with two minutes left, red card the Arsenal player if he takes any longer than five seconds with any given set play.

7. Entering the goalkeeper's house

We have noticed that Arsenal players go to retrieve the ball from the back of the goalkeepers's net after scoring in a game that they are losing. We have never seen any other team do this. That is the goalkeeper's house. How dare they! From now on if they don't knock on the door and wait to be invited in then their swift sprint back to the centre circle will be met with a nice rectangular piece of red plastic.

8. Sideline warm-up

Congestion seems to have developed close to the corner flag when Arsenal players are stretching and warming up. We even noticed the disgraceful Myles Lewis Skelly step onto the field of play whilst trying to avoid an opponent who was warming up in the opposite direction. trying to avoid plowing into an opponent whilst warming up is no excuse for Arsenal players. Straight red.

Category Two:

Arsenal Football Club are taking the piss in the penalty area. We will show them! If they do any of the following, then give them a yellow card. You are also perfectly within your right to pick the ball up, march down the field and give a penalty kick to their opponent.

1. "over crowding the penalty box" during a corner

2. "GK going to ground too easily" after GK gathers a cross.

3. Ben White gets within 6 feet of the opposing goalkeeper.

Category Three:

This category is for rules that are rules but we ignore them. Except when Arsenal are playing.

Pick your punishment.

1. Goalkeeper holding the ball for more than 6 seconds.

2. Arsenal players not having their socks pulled all the way up over fully over the shin pads.

3. The ball not being in the corner quadrant.

4. Grabbing, tustling, blocking, head locks in the box.

Category Four:

New yellow card infractions. Just for Arsenal.

1. Arsenal player's socks have rips in the calves. 

2. Arteta talks to his players during the game.

3. The multi ball system is not for Arsenal players to utilize. Arsenal have to wait for the opponents fans to throw the ball back.

4. Arsenal player gets carded for spitting on the field.  "Unnecessary spread of germs"

5. Arsenal player gets carded for hitting the wall when taking free kick.  "Violent conduct"

6. Taking a quick free kick

Category Five:

No specifics needed. 

We have noticed that the crowd at The Emirates start singing 'North London Forever' at kick off. This is disrespectful to the referee who needs his first whistle to be heard. At this point stop the game and stand on you heels. Get out your yellow card and spin in a circle giving a yellow card to all of their fans. Don't forget to stop your spin move when you rotate towards the away fans in the corner.

Category Six:

No specifics needed.

There is much to watch on a corner kick. Certainly when Arsenal play. As the ball is in flight just blow your whistle. Point your finger towards the largest cluster of players and run off up the field. They will assume that there was a shirt tug or a foul on the goalkeeper or something, but you will be long gone.

Category Seven:

The following are now penalties. Against Arsenal, of course.

1. If an Arsenal defender is clearing the ball out of their penalty area and accidentally launches it into their own hand, it is a penalty kick.

2. We have realized after way too many years that we are giving these penalty kicks for every little thing that happens in that huge box. Players dribbling out of the box get a free shot, players that collide heads, and in David Luiz's case, players that have the cheek to simply run in their box. So, we are now giving indirect free kicks again and direct free kicks will also be given in the box. A penalty will only be for denial of a clear goalscoring opportunity. Just remember this rule does not apply in Arsenal's box.

3. The Saliba Law

Clearly William Saliba was trying to header Joao Pedro's head. I'm not buying those that say that he wouldn't want to hurt himself. He had eyes for Joao's head and recklessly attacked it. He even made Joao scream and roll around.

Anyway, we are concerned that Saliba's brutal attack will manifest in he and others going to the next level and tackling with their goolies. This threat of groin thrusting must be nipped and a penalty must be awarded if an Arsenal player tries to tackle an opponent with his willy. We are looking at you, Saliba.

You will have noticed that we have taken the following rules out of the ‘Arsenal Edition.’

The Martinelli Law

1. Two yellow cards for the same play.

The Trossard Law

1. Red card for kicking the ball away at the same time as the whistle.

The Luiz Law

1. Running

The Orginal Saliba Law

1. Intentionally trying to concuss yourself

The Rice Law

1. Tapping the rolling ball 2 inches whilst being volleyed.

The post WORLD EXCLUSIVE: FA Ref Rules (Arsenal Edition) first appeared on Gunners Town.